It is in these days that we wonder about epiphanies large and small. There’s the big one that comes to the center of the Christian story when the wise ones followed the star until it stopped. And there, in that light, they found everything that they had ever hoped to find in a teeny, tiny baby lying in a manger.
I love this story and I still have so many questions about it. It was a baby after all. That’s a tall order for a child who has just figured out how to latch on to his mom’s boob and learned to recognize his father’s voice from outside the womb but this the kind of certainty we hope for. It’s what my directees all want and wish I could give them. (I sometimes wish I could too.) It is that kind of certainty we all crave.
It is not what we usually get though. We want it but there is so much more that is unknown than known. We remain uncertain and wonder what it means to be faithful. In her last book Wholehearted Faith, which I read by the light of the Christmas tree, Rachel Held Evans states frankly that “certainty isn’t faith.” Faith emerges from the courage to question and wonder. It’s in all those questions that we find “language and stories” from which to “draw meaning from [our] experiences, to see [our] lives as part of a larger narrative of wholeness and healing. At its best, faith teaches us to live without certainty and to hope without guarantee.”
It seems to me that those wise ones were certain about one thing but I find myself wondering about all that feels so uncertain in the world. Here are three wonderings about what we want so much to know.
What is one thing you know without any doubt?
When has all the unknown been a blessing for you?
What feels most uncertain in your world right now?
Take these wanderings into your prayer time. Scribble each response. Dance out the possibility. Pour a favorite drink into two cups and let this be what keeps you both up way too late wondering about what really matters. Give space for these questions and every question that emerges from stepping into this curious, uncertain space.
Questions expand when we share in the wonder with others so I’m sharing three books that make room for the unknown. I haven’t linked here to Wholehearted Faith (mentioned above) but Rachel Held Evans references the work of Brene Brown over and over again and it made me want to reread Rising Strong. Where Brown uses her endless wisdom as a researcher, Bowler relies on the grace of being alive. She doesn't reference much of anything about her work as a church historian but delves into some good honest truth about what it means to be alive. Christina Kukuk does this as well through absolutely gorgeous poetry and prose. This is a book to read and read again to remember that we are bodies and we are somehow all amazing and glorious. All of these books can be found here on Bookshop.
To nudge the spirit along, I’ll share my wandering thoughts in response to these big questions. I hope you’ll wonderings and questions in the comments. I’ll be eager to hear how you make space for the unknown.
What is one thing you know without any doubt?
I want to believe in goodness and that there is a lot of it but I’m struggling with that assertion right now. What I do know is that there is beauty. There is so much beauty in this world in the fog that settles on the river, the towering bell tower of the cathedral, the pink shine of the sunset and in the million small ways that we risk loving each other. There is beauty. Not enough of it, perhaps, but it is there.
When has all the unknown been a blessing for you?
There have been seasons where the endless possibility has given me courage. I’ve taken risks and made new discoveries. Other times, that unknown feels like a weight pushing me down and forbidding me from any kind of imagination. That feels more recent though as my responsibilities have increased. When I was younger, studying art in college, it felt like anything and everything was possible. I find myself wondering how to recapture that imaginative spirit.
What feels most uncertain in your world right now?
I truly don't know what the future holds for our family right now. My husband’s military career remains a question mark as we wait for Big Army to figure out what the next thing will be. That’s all we can do is wait. We can’t plan but can only wait and this is not an easy space for me. I like to plan and assure my children what the future holds but neither of those things are possible while we wait.
If you find yourself wondering about what to do with all that feels uncertain and it feels like spiritual direction might be a way to explore those questions, I hope you’ll reach out to begin a conversation.